Hug Club

So, this is a story about q time in 2001 -2003 roughly ... I figure I need to focus on telling my own stories
"You have tested me for Syphilis three times now and they all came back negative, I'm willing to accept the fact I just may be just insane; but please let's investigate other causes." I tell the doctor at the Haight Street Free Clinic. In their defense I had memory loss and was wearing a "Sluts Unite' t-shirt, so Syphilis seemed like a valid diagnoses.
The reason for why I was losing periods of time was a bit unclear maybe something to with a few head bang incidents or stress. It was hard to tell completely even after the MRI; because I had the condition for about a year and half. I told a friend how I had learned tricks to adjust to it and she insisted I go see a doctor right way.
I was willing to just believe I was having a nervous breakdown. I was having enough stress that I felt like I snapped. During very stressful childhood times I blocked things out. I had poems from my youth about black holes in memory. I was thinking this time, it was similar to Edward Norton's condition in 'Fight Club'. I envisioned in my lost time creating a secret army, making plans to start a social revolution and hanging out with and boxing sweaty, buff, shirtless men... But nope..whatever I was doing it was getting me hugged by strangers.
Well I guess they weren't strangers cause they had shared with me their deepest and darkest issues of the day, so they would latter recap for me. During my black out, I was holding space for people to open up to me and free themselves of a flood of emotions. I am not sure if I gave them good advice or advice at all ... But it made them all a bit happier...sometimes just having someone listen is so helpful. Anyway, people kept coming to me, hugging me, and thanking me; and I would smile and say "Your welcome. I'm glad you are feeling better, kitten." I would mean it, but I was also calling them 'kitten' cause I couldn't remember their names...
Also, due to my raddled brain, an idea from an ex, and a need to make things in my life - a life... I started going place, meeting people, sending out weekly group emails and doing artist workshops... But even though I use to manage databases at work.. I couldn't figure out how to run one on my own computer. So I created one massive email group and sent them the weekly emails. When you send people weekly emails with details of your life... People either ask to be taken off the list, assume they really know you or share their lives back with you... I was amazed about the amount of people that did the last two; and how amazing those people were.
I don't do the weekly emails anymore, just a big Christmas email and every year I have at least one person - often more that share their most sad, happy, and beautiful stories with me cause I shared first.
In my life I have been a lot of things that don't seem logical and bit crazy that have strangely worked out wonderfully well, maybe not as planned... I believe if first you don't succeed - keep doing what you are doing just change what you hope the out come is - to another good thing...
I got an idea for the first fiction story to be published in an anthology from the blackouts
All that benefit for myself and other ... From blackouts, that I accepted and worked around and worked with. When I try to wrap my head around making 'gone crazy' work for me and others; I think of the word of the penguin in 'Fight Club' - "slide"
  • Current Music

Venus and Mars

10/16/17 - MONDAY - Road to self care

I took the headband I had wrapped around my arm as a brace off and told my nurse co-worker I think I hurt my wrist. 'How long has it been hurting?' she asked. About 'Three Week'... I was afraid I had carpal tunnel and didn't wanted to stop working cause I feel like I have to handle so much stuff...
... She adjusted and massage my hand and I already feel I'm on the road to recovery ... I have scheduled a follow up and I plan to take better care of me...

10/17/17 - TUESDAY - Let's see how this goes

I feel my hope dwindling ... We have new CAN an he seem good but yet I fear what fresh hell he will bring to my work and home care schedule... I still try to figure out what rabbit I will pull out of my hat when it all falls apart. I should take a sigh of relief about being fully staffed yet I feel like I all hold my breath in preparation to be pulled down in a sea of misery ...

10/18/17 - WEDNESDAY - Have to have faith in magic

I did dinner with the Pagan meet up group and my friend Rev. Joey .. I want to have faith in magic ... I want to believe it will be all alright ... I want to cast spells to fix the problems I can't or people won't let me get enough information to see if I can help... I want to have positive thoughts save the day... But sometimes dark reality gets in my way... But still I believe....

10/19/17 - THURSDAY - Me too

I did drinks with a friend and talked a lot about boundary and consent ... What it means to say no and when it isn't listened to what that makes us fell like ....and what it means to fight with people of power ... We talked about the power of everyone sharing their stories ... If we all call someone out - our collective voice is actually heard ... We talked about how silence can hurt us ... And the truth can set us free ...

10/20/17 - FRIDAY - Home Maker

So, my job title is still Home Maker despite they year of my job changing and me learning new skills, studying and working hard ... I do a lot more then the original job description I started with... And while on Monday I am going to sit down with my boss and redesign my job description - I will still have the title Home Maker.... Which is strange as my job is becoming less Merry Maid and full of other administrative things ... And am far from Donna Reed....
... I have been stage mother, den mother, station mother for many a group & community and I have broken up bar fights, calmed crying people, and given guidance and even drunk, sad, injured, crazy myself - have often be the caring voice of reason ... I am trying to try to bring together the title Home Maker and the idea of being a community mom and my job description... So come Monday we will see...

10/21/17 - SATURDAY -Rest in Power

I went to am memorial for a woman, who annoyed me most of the time - she was very pushy with me and never listened to me when I tried to help her... She was a bit abrasive .... But while listening people talk about her - I suddenly wish I knew her better ... Or at least knew her as the person other people knew her as .... She seemed so kick ass the way people talked about her..

10/22/17 - SUNDAY - Men are weird

I had a talk with a friend that showed me how differently men and woman communicate and perceive life and love and stuff...
  • Current Music
    Law & Order SVU


New Start for the better

10/10/17 - TUESDAY - I made my cat a pumpkin

Heard about my book hoarders anal warts, dropped food to Mr. Fur, and went to office to do data entry and hear about new forms and old issues... Carved and draw on pumpkins with Miss Fat-kini, who is all in love with man who will wear her jewelry ...

10/11/17 - WEDNESDAY - Moods

May have some help for a client with dementia or another problem for me
Talked with co - worker about sad donkey men...
Trying to deal with how to create a memoir with scattered - fuzzy - big holed memories... If fictional - non linear is the way to goo

10/12/17 - THURSDAY - PSD work we do today

When I was little my father was not a good man & manic/ depressive - suicidal and very abusive to my mother ... I could hear her scream when he hurt her and he would tell me he would want to hurt himself or others (my mom) because I was a bad child & I upset him. ...
... This had two effects on me and my life still today:

- One is memory loss from childhood caused I blocked a lot of stuff out...
And short term memory issues possibly from when I would hit my head against the wall to block out the noise and cause of cartoons making me believe I would pass out and then there be a different story line...

Another is PSD - when someone is upset with me - I desperate try to make things better which has sometime leads me to being walked over or just give too much... or to be so scared that I have trouble giving an enough space & time to a problem - it often needs to solve it...
.... The later is what I am having issues with this week...

While I know is my adult mine that situation are different then my childhood experience with my father... Emotional things make fall back into the child like state and I panic...

10/13/17 - FRIDAY - Stand strong - kicked PTS ass and felt good

10/14/17 - SATURDAY - Read a book or go to literary events

10/15/17 - Sunday PSTS look int0 oye
  • Current Music
    The Simpsons

One liners

10/2/17 - MONDAY - Is it pick on Melinda day

My boss was a pain today ... Bringing me possible troubled employees for me to mother or him to father ... Giving me more work and grief... And a possible more work and grief promotion...
... And men ... Argh ... Yell at me so I can yell back the stupid stuff I feel...

10/3/17 - TUESDAY - I need to be nice without being a doormat

I made one little step maybe two to being stronger...

10/4/17 - WEDNESDAY _10/5/17 to be a doormat or not

Some good and some bad ... I really didn't mean to hurt anyone's feelings ..

10/5/17 - THURSDAY - Really you are made because I love you...

Just weird... Thank goddess I had drinks with co-worker...

10/6/17 - FRIDAY - How to handle a drunk man wanting to have a bromantic with a motorcycle club...
... And talking the burlesque dancer about boundaries...

10/7/17 - SATURDAY - Dancing to 'I will survive' with long term survivors

10/8/17 - Sunday - Writing ourselves Whole and "IT"

10/9/17 - MONDAY - Did more Halloween and fixed an problem (I think with a strange conversation) in the strangest way
  • Current Music


Things I need:

9/18/17 - MONDAY - I need whimsy

I was playing Urban Golf - whacky mini golf with my lodge brothers & sisters and I couldn't get into it completely .... I need to work on re-calming my playful whimsy side

9/19/17 - TUESDAY - I need to not let the liars & haters

I need not poke at liars & haters cause they will lie and hate... I spent to much of my day trying to make things right with Mt. knocking .and making him stop lying about and hating on my friend... And ended up with him lying to me and hating on me...
I should just put my energy helping my client like the one who has fallen back to his eating disorder due to stress...

9/20/17 - WEDNESDAY - stay focused and present

It was a whirl wind of a day with a lot of movement and lot of info from clients ... It made me think how important it is to stay focus and present...and to keep a safe space for my clients

9/21/17 - THURSDAY - Be a better leader

My employee didn't show up for work... I sucked at leading in CPR training... I need to work on being a better leader ... I need find the balance between being kind and supportive and cracking the whip and making people behave ... I need guidance...

9/22/17 - FRIDAY - I need to believe in romance and believe I deserve it

Helped one client and heard relationship drama of another client ..then heard about G's new love interest... She gave a reading that made no sense to what I really wanted to know and couldn't lead her to telling me about the actual question...

9/23/17 - SATURDAY - I need to be calm in the face of stupidity

I watched PJ talk to a manic person and I freaked cause I could not him to notice me enough to calm him down... He explained later if you are right you can stay calm and let the other person get overly excited...

9/24/17 - SUNDAY - community is king and communication is therapy

Worked at Folsom Street Fair and had a radio show kinky as therapy

9/25/17 - MONDAY - Social Anxiety

Dealt with a shut in client, ran into a friend on the street and talked about social anxiety and service dogs, and talked with boss about social anxiety if co-worker and how it effects her work...

9/26/17 - TUEDAY - and the word is no

Tried to teach my client the word no in dealing with his neighbor and may have to extend that to his homeless friend, who he almost did bank stuff with... Delivered some food and did some data entry...

9/27/17 - WEDNESDAY - I love the smell of cleaning fluid in the morning - it smells like victory

I cleaned like a mad woman for a dementia client and tried to keep him grounded and his people grounded... Did some data entry...
... Got some personal stuff done ... Including maybe coming up with a life plan idea...
... Did ERC and understand why my story was rejected..
... The two recent rejections I got recently - with at least somewhat sweet and encouraging ...

9/28/17 - THURSDAY - Wait you have a date now

My morning client had a date scheduled for while I was there... He showed disrespect for men and lack of understanding what it takes for a real relationship.
-- Office for a bit then ... Went to see other client and chated about cats and past choices - good or bad
.... Chatted with friends on phone ... Talked about unrealistic expectations and realestate

9/29/19 - FRIDAY - Should I do a one woman show & or talk to people about another job

9/30/17 -SATURDAY - Should I smoke weed & should I talk Community Health work cert classes

10/1/17 - SUNDAY - Should I get my sore wrist looked at & tell man to respect me more
  • Current Music
    Bob's Burger

Dog and wolves

9/11/17 - MONDAY - So confused

Went to see morning client and get some stuff then after a long bus ride....
... Went to a Workshop on Sex Worker - that had it's up and downs.... But it was nice to see the St James people... And had drinks and talk about sex work and drinks with co- workers... May still be a bit tipsy...

9/12/17 - TUESDAY - a calmer day

Saw morning client who was mostly sleepy, did food runs, and some office work... And stopped by Molotov's... Watching good dark comedy

9/13/17 - WEDNESDAY - In crazy town

Kept my dementia client calm and his house clean ... I feel like I case manage some clients... Didn't like the 'friends' that came by him...
Did some data entry - had to casually reengage with home care agency
Chatted with biker lover about misbehaving people & MUNI

9/14/17 - THURSDAY - OddFellows

I ran around with one client and heard about his sex life and then talked to one about fears, anger, abuse, and reengaging with people
...Chatted with favorite ex and petted cat... Then went to Oddfellows meeting and exchanged stuff and chatted about annoying people and good community

9/15/17 - FRIDAY - Okay day

More scare me stories from a client
Did some data entry
Had good hospital run with client and holistic nurse
Did a dinner and art show with friends... Chat about movies, hipisters, nude art, ...saw some people I knew
Home to slightly sick cat

9/16/- 17/17 - SATURDAY & SUNDAY

Saturday hung with the BDSM and show all the things they have created - community, shows, tax service, coffee shop, own AirB&B, wonderful people
.... Then say the glitter and glam and love of the burlesque community in a sea of drunk mugwamps and some punk rock heroes...

Sunday radio with great gay poet talking about perception, relativity, and metaphors ....
... Then hung with the wonderful biker community - full of hugs, loyalty, love, and stories
  • Current Mood
    calm calm

Tispy words

9/1/17 - FRIDAY - tipsy plumbing

Brushed toe...Client visits ... Nice talk with door staff... Tried to calm nervous client... Did a bunch of data entry... Got sink fixed by tipsy neighbor ....washed cloths... Got to talk to friend I thought I lost...

9/2/17 - SATURDAY - Poetry & punk rock

I chatted with mom ... Niece getting a divorced ... Shopped and cleaned closet, and watched shark movie... Went to see poetry & punk rock at Bender's... Spread positive and heard some negative... Mostly stuff about a person negative and bed bug lie hurting another....

9/3/17 - SUNDAY - shots in sipie cup

Did a great burlesque radio show - fun- funny - got to know people better ... Had whisky from sipie cup...
... Had a great early dinner with co-workers and others ... Good to break beard with people....
.... sweating

9/4/17- MONDAY - Don't let me get kicked out anywhere

-- Dance class with what seemed like gay Marine commander dance instructor
---Did vent brunch with JM in which we made friends with the kid next to us and may of taught from our conversation like all the curse words, vagina, and beat the crap out of (which is phrase not a word)
--- Had a chat sex life chat is Pet's with BBW friend and thrifted ... Fun and detailed kinky stories
--- Visit from biker lover and chatted about spells, silly people, and woman...

9/5/17 - TUESDAY - killer clowns - yea!

Tried to fix a problem but getting others involved ... Hoping that happens
Took care of some stuff for a client & his puppy, got food for people, did office work... Did a couple of personal things... Watched AHS about Trump ... Too true on the fear...

9/6/17 - WEDNESDAY - it may work

I helped a client clean and work through his sex life and then made a schedule .... Had silly text tiff with biker lover - small thing that will pass ... Had people changing for BAGG - interesting people ... Cat got nails clipped ...and cast a spell...

9/7/17 - THURSDAY - PC Drag Kings

Morning client seemed very stressed, client snapped about not liking home care staff and them not jumping to meet his needs, afternoon clients bad friend is back... Drag Queen had chaos - bitchy people start,, but then was community and fun, and had PC ending..

9/8/17 - FRIDAY - on bus alt- sex ed

Morning client let us know that agency CAN that we can't use anymore thinks he works for us ... Data entry ... Dinner with poet to talk about her man issues

9/9/17 - SATURDAY - Walking and supporting charities

- Exercise, talked to mom, had good breakfast
- Went to DuBoce Park flea sale - support park: got cool earrings, Pink Panther socks, rubber ducks (to give as gift), wooden spoon
- Visited with Skull dude and heard stories
- Went to Zeitgeist craft fair supporting LGBTIQQA: Got cool necklace from station sister, Ant pussy Pins (for gifts), and great pop art painting
- WWD - gave Charlie pin and great readers, JB shaved beard

9/10/17 - SUNDAY - words

I had a radio with a great Sister and chatted up a storm on all sort of issues ... Said some stuff maybe I should not have..
... Went to spoken word event
...chatted with biker lover about stuff
  • Current Music
    Family guy

Play with yourself

8/21/17 - MONDAY - Will solar eclipse wackiness..

I took care house work... And had a sweet but wacky handyman come over to fix my kitchen sink while reciting lyrics from his thought provoking heavy metal songs ... Then he came back to fix the dishwasher cause he had a senior moment and didn't tighten something and nearly shocked himself trying to fix extra stuff.. But he gave me a great deal and is very nice...
I went to a job interview and 10 minutes away from the place my work phone blow up with the news that I am not laid -off and the agency is not closing... Strangely they still want to have me work with them ..
... So needles to say it was whacky doing data entry at work with the new news... Now what?

8/22/17 - TUESDAY - boundaries and being a bitch

Today I look at boundaries visa being a bitch.... I had a chat with my morning client about setting up boundaries with his family ... Then did some food run and office ... While thinking about what I want to do now...

8/23/17 - WEDNESDAY - whacky

Happy clients -happy I'm staying, manic - nervous client - sweating & drinking, de-stressing co-worker ... Stressful and emotional rollercoaster of 3 weeks, crying friend with bad news about friend, pissed off FFR people, turtle head pock out of MIA friend...

8/24/17- THURSDAY - Company

I did an staff meeting and got snapped at ... Got key to friend SF, and chatted with ex bank robber... Then home to do dinner and drinks with friend...

8/25/17 - FRIDAY - got cat pin

A client backed up what I already knew and afternoon proved that men are stupid... Got drink a Bender and meant nice old woman and was happy to see crazy artist took my production advice ....

8/26/17 - SATURDAY - Try new things

Went thrift shopping to get some different pants then I would normally wear in an attempt to try something new...

8/27/17 - SUNDAY - life planning and BlueGrass

I had a radio show with bluegrass and talk of protest, parades, and parties
Boozy drinks and tarot card readings and life planning...

8/28/17 - MONDAY - RESPECT

Trying to get past the hurt of the disrespect of not being communicated with properly ... From dad, to awful exs, to work, to an new man I expected better of...

8/29/17 - TUESDAY - Drinking with Satan

I did office work and ran food to folks ... Then ended up drinking with the girls and some boys at Molotov's and just joking around ... The girls rock

8/30/17 - WEDNESDAY - Masturbating man

I tried to get stuff while seeing a client and doing office work...

One of my neighbor says he will help me fix some stuff in my place for free ...if I can get an old man in the SRO next to us to stop masturbating in the window while wearing woman's stockings.... okay ... an new & nteresting barter deal ... I will try

8/31/17 - THURSDAY - wackiness

Started to day- asking whose masturbating I the window, talking one client about not getting a online date when out of town with a lover, advicing another not to make home- made opium, and ended the day drinking with coworkers about has we may need security to see some clients ...
  • Current Music
    big bang theroy

Tell me something

8/14/17 - MONDAY - Trying be calm

Helped my drama queen client who told me how dramatically he fought with an ex fuck buddy... Then to the office to do data entry and hear more whacky stuff...

8/15/17 - TUESDAY - Bat shit continues

So, morning with more fucked up and strange news from office... Then an obviously so not worried about being fired (and right) mistake I needed to fix... Stressed added .... And a fear of moving on (1st job interview on Monday)... And more whacky chat on ride home.. It really smells in Denmark..

8/16/17 - WEDNESDAY - Don't make me cry

My morning client and his people almost made me going on about how much they will miss me... And I will miss them.. My client even made me lunch...
...then office with sad-mad co-worker... And more wackier news...

8/17/17 - THURSDAY - I feel a bit more calmer

Had a bit more calming meeting at work... So a bit calmer which is good since the stress levels were getting high.... People were freaking out..

8/18/17 - FRIDAY - Ingrid Goes West

I got some more pushy positive encouragement about making a homecare program.
More plotting against evil...
Then saw 'Ingrid Goes West' and had a chat about real world friends and life and a social media image ....

8/19/17 - SATURDAY - I need more glittery objects

Dance, FFR meeting - good & whacky news... Dinner with poet and her writer friend and worried about the world and hate, went to see Project Runway and saw may nice and positive people...

8/20/17 - SUNDAY - B-que in the sun

I went to the 415 b-que and listened to some great and crazy people in the sun with burger and beer and tried to help a man just out of prison with his life. Then had a slight break down himself ... Trying to separate a normal personal thing with the fucked up work situation... Because the both have a bases in lack of communication and no control of the situation,,,,
  • Current Music
    Family guy

stay calm

8/6/17 - SUNDAY - Sharknado

Tried to re -ground - rant on radio show, thrift with friend, Sharknado, and spell...

8/7/17 - MONDAY - It will be a whacky ride

I spent the day in the office doing data entry
- heard hopeful and confusing stuff about client transition and unsure of what I think stuff about job potential
- Got more and more work to do
- Not sure home care attendant will make it to end..
- worried deeply about a friend - sense something is terribly wrong with them ..
I cast spells

8/8/17 - TUESDAY - WTF

I can't believe all the little mistakes I made and others made and how they could hold up the care of sick people... The government is unforgiving nit picky bastards...
... And sink is leaking..

8/9/17 - WEDNESDAY - Like a Vacuum

I feel like my mornings client vacuum cleaner ... Motor burning out from cleaning up too much powder used to cover up bad smells ....
... What a hot mess...
... I think I may of landed a job interview ... With the weirdness of job situation not sure if this is bad or good...

8/10/17 - THURSDAY - CrazyWise

I went to see a crazy client and then did tons of data entry ... And saw great documentary on mental health and how we treat people with a one plan fits all healthcare plan...instead of truly listen to them and giving them individual wellness...

8/11/17 - FRIDAY - To step up or not to step up...

Three weeks left of work and so much to think about and do around work and life... My client want me to step up and fix stuff...

8/12/17 - SATURDAY - I caught up on the sun

I talked a bit with mom and danced and told dance class my woes and dyed hair..
Went to People's Picnic with Sister of PI and Bay Rider's party ... Got food, sun, and community...
Worked door at Writer's with Drinks ... Last two writers - the transgender - ex sex worker and dragon point of view story - spoke to me and people I know...

8/13/17 - SUNDAY - trying to keep grounded

Did radio show, got garbage disposal. Trying to focus...
.. Sad talk with client who just found out...
  • Current Music
    The Simpsons